Problems of the Heart

“It was the end of the Lent term, nearing the Easter holiday. Cesca looked out of the window and with one leap, jumped.
It was only on the first floor so the drop wasn’t too big. She fell gracefully onto the ground below on to feet with a soft thud, stood up and walked towards the swimming pool. Every one that had been sitting in the form room rushed to the window to peer out and see if Cesca was okay. Amazed they watched her stand up and walk away as if she had done no different than walking through a door. ‘ What you do that for?!’ cried Isabel out the window rather bemused, she got no reply it seemed Lola was in a world of her own.
The six girls returned to their normal places in the room. Isabel resumed her picturesque pose of which she stood with her arm held high above her head, in the corner of the room, balancing on one foot with her tongue just coming out of the left side of her mouth as she stretched clasping her mobile desperately trying to get one bar of signal in order to send a text message to her boyfriend Jamie. Fleur went back to the table and perched on it with a look of concentration on her face that was very unusual she was very focused as she moved her hand with such precision as she placed the small brush into the pot and painted tiny strokes, then swore aloud and dived for the nail varnish remover to eliminate the unwanted blotch from her pristine finger.

Charlie stayed by the window surrounded by her fan club; she was undoubtedly the most popular girl in the year. The fan club consisted of Paris, Fanny and Jo Jo; they followed her everywhere flattering her with anything that sprang to mind. There they stayed and continued nattering about the current topic of interest, which was whether Charlie’s new haircut was more stylish than Britney Spear’s latest venture. This new found issue was one of great importance, one that was not to be taken lightly in their opinion, it was even about seven points higher than the war on Iraq on their ‘ Topic List’. This list consisted of things like blusher colours, if red was the new black or if the ‘little black dress’ had been taken over by the sudden craze of hot pants. These were normal day things that were compulsory to their small pointless lives or so this is what I thought.”
” I think I hurt my ankle jumping out of that window. I couldn’t stay another second in there it was driving me insane. I hate my year they are so small-minded. All they care about is this seasons colours or whether their boyfriends have the latest Porsche or not. The biggest tragedy they could possibly encounter in their lives would be if ‘Daddy’ wouldn’t let them go to the summer ball.
People like them really annoy me for example Isabel spends her whole time worrying about what people could be saying about her and compares herself to everyone while in reality she spends 85% of her pointless time makings unfair judgements of people she knows nothing about, hair or the length of their legs are usually her favourites to bitch about. And Charlie, who spends her time with her head up in the clouds, so much that she doesn’t see that her precious fan club, Jo Jo, Paris and Fanny, spend their whole time saying horrible things about her whenever her back is turned, the complete opposite to what they praise her for. She is too stupid to see it, what an idiot.
I wish that all the mobiles in the world could be destroyed so that the girls at our school could try and live their lives, for once without them for five minutes. Their lives revolve around them; in fact they are their lives, that is so sad. I hate everything about this place is seems so picturesque and angelic but it is full of hate and depression, or maybe i am the one with the depression, I miss her so much I feel like a part of me is missing. Everything was a disaster last year and it is still unfinished, i wished she could come back so i could either ring her neck for all of the hurt and pain that she caused or run to her and hug her and start crying hysterically. I suppose I will never know all I ask is closure. ”
” Being a form tutor I have to sit in the form room to make sure that no more excessive amounts of red nail polish are spilt on the floor. I do have my own bits and pieces to get on with I am a very busy teacher, instead I have to sit here and baby-sit a dozen, childish, vain, spoilt, teenagers making sure they spill liquids any where, while they have mindless conversations. ‘I am so excited about the Easter hols it is going to be so wicked!’ said Isabel after she breathed a sigh of relief because her text message had been sent. Fleur looked up from her nails and said something unexpected, but only to me the others didn’t seem to notice the change in attitude, ‘ I am really worried about Cesca, she seems really unhappy at the moment, she keeps getting really frustrated. What have we done to her to make her so angry?’
‘It’s ok it’s not us, or at least I don’t think it is. I was talking to Eims about her the other day. You know how she is really worried about her and doesn’t know what to do. Apparently she gets depressed very frequently for no reason at all, or at least no one knows why, she thinks she is trying to kill herself.” ‘ This came from Fanny, it got every one’s attention, Isabel looked up from her phone, and Paris and Jo Jo took their eyes off Charlie, Charlie stopped fiddling with her newly blonde hair to look up at Paris. ‘ That’s terrible, what would make her do such a thing?’ said Jo Jo.
At that moment Cesca walked in luckily it didn’t seem like she had overheard the conversation. She walked in and slumped onto a chair. I took the register and saw the girls excluding Cesca whispering to each other; even though i haven’t been at this school very long it is long enough to know that all the girls do is gossip or bitch. Anything with an emotional content everyone will stay well away from, like an elephant from a mouse.'”
” ‘ She doesn’t love me, Cesca’ Fernanda said quietly. If it was anyone else the tears would have been tumbling down their cheeks. That, however didn’t apply to her, the situation was far gone at that point, it was beyond tears for her she sat on my messy bed, with a look of speechlessness and, unbelievably, acceptance on her face. I sat there not wanting to look into her brown eyes, aware that they were a bottomless pit of hurt and despair.
Still keeping my eyes fixed on the childish Mickey Mouse duvet cover, I tried numerous times to say something, anything, unfortunately my words failed me and all I was left to do was open and close my mouth in hope that something of use would come out all that this did was make me look like I was imitating a guppy fish. I knew that all she needed at this time was hope; otherwise she would’ve lost her bearing on reality, which she was very capable of doing. I felt useless and as though there was nothing I could do but stand by and watch. All I could do was deny it, ‘That’s not true Fernanda, your so cynical, you’re being ridiculous. Of course she still loves you.’
With this I removed my gaze from the duvet and she caught my eye and forced me to look into her unhappy eyes. It was hopeless all I could say would be lies, I couldn’t reassure her because there was not one shred of truth in my words.”
Dear diary,
School is terrible at the moment, everyone just sits around staring at each other, I think they have run out of things to say to each other. Especially Eims, Cesca and Fernanda all they do is argue now. Every night on our floor there is an argument, one thing I have learnt about them is don’t get in the way at these times, our floor is wrecked there are dents in the walls, broken chairs and bins.
They used to be such good friends, well it started off with Fernanda and Cesca then Eims came in and they were all good friends, they were inseparable. Then something happened between Fernanda and Eims, they just suddenly grew apart, it is still happening now. Although it seems to be Eims trying to get away from Fernanda, I never see her anymore she spends her whole time with Carolina in the year above she is in a different boarding so makes a good escape. They’re best friends now they are very close, this seems to be tearing Fernanda apart. She is a very possessive person; one of the most you will ever meet. Fernanda has argued with Carolina loads of times, she has made her cry which is really stupid considering she is in the year abovevery brave considering she is in the year above.
Apparently it is though she is trying to stop Carolina being friends with Eims, I don’t understand why she cares so much. What’s the big deal? Almost every time she looks at Eims for a long period of time she starts crying. I feel sorry for Cesca she always seems to be caught in the middle. You can tell that she loves both of them a lot, whenever they start arguing she goes all funny and can’t stay in the room very long or she will go to the other side of the room and try to distract herself or usually burst into tears and beg them to stop arguing. I really don’t understand why they are so dramatic and argue all of the time, something must of happened to make them be like that.
“Ok one more stop, then a one and a half mile walk. I spend my whole time on buses, tubes, trains or on foot, compensating for other people’s laziness.
I can’t wait till I go to Japan tomorrow, although I’m not sure which clothes to take I don’t want to look like an idiot walking round wearing something that is completely out of fashion.
This is my stop, I better give Cesca a ring she’s a wreck after Fernanda left. Come on pick up the phone; please tell me you don’t have it one silent.
‘ Hey gorgeous, how are you? You surviving?’ I said attempting to sound cheerful, hoping it might rub off onto her, but in vain.
‘ Yea I’m ok, just about surviving. I just lock myself up in a room and hope that no one will try to talk to me, except you of course I can talk to you Eims.’ She sounded depressed I was probably the first person she had talked to in days.
I wonder how long this conversation is going to go on for, we are just making polite, superficial conversation, this is pointless, we are never going to be friends unless she knows…
I have to tell her…
She is gone now…
If I don’t tell Cesca soon I am going to explode…
I can’t keep it in any longer…
‘ I have something to tell you.’ I spat out, interrupting her in full flow on how she was avoiding everyone’s puzzlement and how much she missed Fernanda. I knew that if I didn’t say it now I never would… ‘ It’s something you don’t know…’ Come on say it, get it out once and for all, this is your only chance. ‘ It’s about Fernanada she…she…’
Oh God I can’t believe I am even considering telling her. It would wreck everything she ever had with Fernanda. She would feel betrayed and hurt, you know how much she loved Fernanda, remember how Cesca was when she found out that Fernanda had been trying to kill herself. She had a fit and started hyperventilating, chairs got broken and dents were made in the walls. If I told her it would just be a dreadful repeat of that, I don’t want to put her through it again. On the other hand, she deserves to know, she had been lied to for such a long time. It can’t do her any harm Fernanda is gone now…
‘She had more than just…friendly feelings for me. You knew me I loved her more than anything I would have done anything for her, I was blinded and didn’t see it. I felt betrayed, that was why we had so many arguments. When she first told me I was willing to overlook it like any decent person. I mean it wouldn’t of made any difference but she made how she felt plainly obvious, i couldn’t escape it, she just started seeing me as a piece of ass, she forgot who I was, inside as a person.’ It was completely silent she wasn’t saying anything, ‘ Cesca are you there?!’ I repeated it again. ‘ Yes, yes alright I’m here!’ Her tone dropped from angry to someone who had had their heart ripped out with the help of a rusty spoon. ‘ I knew already…i just wouldn’t admit it.’ She hung up.
Cesca
Look, I haven’t seen you in a year. I can’t go on any longer. You are the only thing that is keeping me going here, I feel so alone.
I want to come and see you in England. I know you say that it will be really hard and the arguments will be worse. And Eims will be there but I don’t care I want to see you. I know it won’t be easy but with the bad comes the good. That is all that matters to me. I want to see you…That’s why I have decided to come back for this summer term…

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